Okay, so I can’t believe that in a week and half it will be May already. I blinked and realized that there is only six months to go until my big five-oh.
How the hell did I get here? And damn it, where was my midlife crisis? Is it just late?
I want to feel gypped. I want to turn back the clock sometimes and get back all the time I gave away to people who didn’t deserve it and I want desperately to correct some colossal mistakes that I’ve made in my life. It goes without saying that I would have made better choices for myself – and yes, I would have been more selfish.
Selfish with my time, love and compassion. I would given it to the people who actually needed it. Like my children. I wish I would have known that you can’t fix people or make them love you. I wish I would have learned earlier that “they just weren’t into me…” to quote a book that came out several years ago.
I wish I would have realized that I “just wasn’t into them” either… Okay, that made me laugh. I did love the pretty boys and I loved it when they wore eyeliner. That should have been my second clue – the first being that I wanted to marry Penny Cartwright in Lost In Space.
I wouldn’t have wasted my time chasing the pretty, long-haired boys that always broke my heart and I would have admitted to myself that I didn’t have to be what someone else wanted me to be. I wish I would have kissed that girl in high-school.
*Deleted the horrible list of things that I listed I wished I hadn’t done – or had happen to me. If you can picture it, I can probably give you excellent examples… I wouldn’t even blink twice.
But every single second of my life is unique to my journey. Good bad or ugly – it is my journey.
By my choices, I have been all over the social scale – though truthfully – most of it was spent at the bottom – where I mistakenly believed I belonged. I spent all of my adult terrified of everything, taking the path of least resistance, willfully jumping into other people’s nightmares, and never sticking up for myself.
Those days are over. I can say that honestly and feel them to be true.
It has taken me years to grow up – and now that I FEEL like an adult – somehow, when I look into the mirror I expect to see Yvonne at 29… (When I turn 50 – I can be 29 with 21 years experience.)
I think I will let myself slide gracefully slide into my crone years.
In conclusion, I believe that my midlife crises was waking up, climbing out of the mudpit, and turning in the right direction. I did it backwards, that’s so like me