Milestones and Reflections

Okay, so I can’t believe that in a week and half it will be May already. I blinked and realized that there is only six months to go until my big five-oh.

*Gasp!

How the hell did I get here? And damn it, where was my midlife crisis? Is it just late?

I want to feel gypped. I want to turn back the clock sometimes and get back all the time I gave away to people who didn’t deserve it and I want desperately to correct some colossal mistakes that I’ve made in my life. It goes without saying that I would have made better choices for myself – and yes, I would have been more selfish.

Selfish with my time, love and compassion. I would given it to the people who actually needed it. Like my children. I wish I would have known that you can’t fix people or make them love you. I wish I would have learned earlier that “they just weren’t into me…” to quote a book that came out several years ago.

I wish I would have realized that I “just wasn’t into them” either… Okay, that made me laugh. I did love the pretty boys and I loved it when they wore eyeliner. That should have been my second clue – the first being that I wanted to marry Penny Cartwright in Lost In Space.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time chasing the pretty, long-haired boys that always broke my heart and I would have admitted to myself that I didn’t have to be what someone else wanted me to be. I wish I would have kissed that girl in high-school.

*Deleted the horrible list of things that I listed I wished I hadn’t done – or had happen to me. If you can picture it, I can probably give you excellent examples… I wouldn’t even blink twice.

But every single second of my life is unique to my journey. Good bad or ugly – it is my journey.

By my choices, I have been all over the social scale – though truthfully – most of it was spent at the bottom – where I mistakenly believed I belonged. I spent all of my adult terrified of everything, taking the path of least resistance, willfully jumping into other people’s nightmares, and never sticking up for myself.

Those days are over. I can say that honestly and feel them to be true.

It has taken me years to grow up – and now that I FEEL like an adult – somehow, when I look into the mirror I expect to see Yvonne at 29… (When I turn 50 – I can be 29 with 21 years experience.)

I think I will let myself slide gracefully slide into my crone years.

In conclusion, I believe that my midlife crises was waking up, climbing out of the mudpit, and turning in the right direction. I did it backwards, that’s so like me 🙂

Advertisements

Published by Yvonne Heidt

Yvonne Heidt writes Paranormal, Gothic, and Modern Romance novels. She would love to tell you she lives in a haunted Victorian mansion overlooking the ocean where she spends the afternoons writing in the turret while the ocean breeze blows gently through the picture window. But... Instead, she lives with her beloved wife of 17 years, four dogs, and a myriad of visiting ghosts in a place she calls Vonnie Land. Yvonne likes to describe herself as being a charismatic and amusing Libra Goddess. On some days she writes like a fiend, but admits that other days, she's just as content to wrap up in a blanket and cuddle with her dogs while watching "one more episode." on Netflix. Three-time Golden Crown Literary Award winner for Best Paranormal Lambda Literary Award Finalist, Rinbow Award winner and finalist.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: